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Letter to My 12 Year​-​Old Self

from Nhojj Poetry Vol. 3 by Nhojj

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That adorable factor, childhood blesses us with, was wearing thin. I was no longer that cute, cuddly child. Adolescence was upon me... it was a difficult time, this puberty, this beginning of adulthood…

lyrics

Guyanese boy.  I know you don’t like being here, but believe me, here is where you ought to be.  You will realize this after time and travel have exchanged your tropical paradise for a foreign concrete jungle.  Only then will you appreciate native sunshine playing in rain, forest hills caressing plaines, and simple joy dancing passionately with pain.

I know.  One moment people here appear beautiful like African butterflies sucking nectar from hibiscus flowers.  The next moment they are like mosquitoes - buzzing and biting and sucking blood from you...

“He too soft...”
“He voice too high...”
“He walk too girly...”
“He act too effeminate...”

It hurts... I know.  Rejection is never easy, but sooner or later rejection happens to everyone... everywhere.  You cannot escape this pain by learning to hit cricket balls.  You cannot stop this rain by trying to dribble basketballs.  Dreaming of developing big muscles will not make a hill into a plain.  Hiding within yourself will not help you either, hiding will only make you dull and bland like Mashramani without color, costume and calypso.

Right now you feel alone and misunderstood, stranded on an island with no name.   But now is not the time to give into fear and shame, even though shame and fear is what you feel the most.  No my dear boy, now is the time to hold onto yourself.  Hold onto yourself and realize that you are good and right and wonderfully made.  

Others will try to tell you otherwise.  You have to allow people their beliefs, even as you realize beliefs are just, well.. beliefs.  No factual evidence is required to develop or support a belief.  People believe all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons.  Some beliefs serve more than others... to thrive you must find beliefs that serve you.  

If you are truly fortunate, those around you give you the acceptance you need and deserve, but chances are, they are too busy with life to give you the messages you need when you need them most.  So learn to whisper daily in your own ear, the words you long to hear.  

I respect you 
I appreciate you 
I love you 

Only then will you be able to see the strength in your softness, hear the depth in your falsetto and feel the power in allowing your femininity to walk side by side with your masculinity, proudly, with her head up, receiving all the respect she deserves.

This is a lot to take in, I know.  But if you grasp nothing else, remember this... 

I love you
Just the way you are
And I always will.

credits

from Nhojj Poetry Vol. 3, track released June 9, 2018
Written & performed by Nhojj
Contains sample of "The Lullaby" by Nhojj

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Nhojj Orlando, Florida

Singer/songwriter and poet wading through the rivers of R&B, soul, jazz, and reggae.

My intention is to create sonic spaces where you can experience yourself through the lens of love and acceptance.

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